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Concerning Divorce

copyright Clark H Smith

There are times in our lives when we seek biblical truth to address a specific need or situation. Often the Bible is clear, but just as often the Bible speaks to us in principle expecting us to make practical application with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The subject of adultery and consequential divorce is a subject frequently addressed in the Old and New Testaments. No one passage addresses the totality of the situations which we often must confront in daily life and ministry. This paper is an attempt to construct a truthful understanding of the scriptural principles on this matter and to provide a wise and loving approach to the delicate situation divorce especially in the case of adultery.

Jesus’ Primary Teaching About Divorce and Adultery
(letter markers are placed in the passage to aid in reference in the discussion that follows)

Mark 10:2-9 (see also Matthew 19:5-9)
2 And some Pharisees came up to Him, testing Him, and began to question
Him whether it was lawful for a man to divorce a wife.
3 And He answered and said to them, "What did Moses command you?"
4 And they said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of
divorce and send her away." (A)
5 But Jesus said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart he wrote
you this commandment. (B)
6 "But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female.
7 "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother,
8 and the two shall become one flesh; consequently they are no longer
two, but one flesh.
9 "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." (C)
10 . . .
11 And He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another
woman commits adultery against her;
12 and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she
is committing adultery." (D)

(A) We are often confused as to what we should do with OT Law. It clearly does not apply (Romans 10.4, etc) to Christians- especially with respect to our relationship with God, yet the teachings of the OT are powerful revelations of the nature of God and His will for our lives (Isaiah 43.21). As Christians we believe that Jesus did not void the Law, but in fact upheld and satisfied every requirement of the Law for us (Matthew 5.17). Back to the point, Moses was inspired by God to allow divorce in certain situations. As we'll see in Matthew 5.27-32 later, one of those situations was the case of adultery.

(B) Jesus follows instruction in the Law with explanation of the Law, demonstrating His excellence in teaching. One very important point is noted here: The giving of the "permission" to be divorced was NOT accompanied by this exaplantion! In Deuteronomy 24 where the law of divorce is given there is no mention of the law being given on account of the "hardness of heart." This significant in that Jesus - in the NT - is telling us why that law existed. A quick study of the OT shows that "hardness of the heart" and all actions connected with it were unacceptable to God. Therefore, we are left with only one possible opinion about divorce, "God hates it," under any situation and he has conveniently said so himself. We must not allow ourselves (or those we counsel) to be comforted with the notion that God hates all divorce except in the case of adultery. God hates all divorce!

(C) Jesus does not limit his discussion of divorce with a reluctant nod to stubborn OT people and ultra-conservative OT times. Verse 9 is thoroughly NT. However it is not a new revelation. In fact, Jesus says, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" as a summary of the earliest teaching on marriage from Genesis 2. (Jesus emphasizes the unchanging view of the sanctity of marriage in Matthew 19.8 when He refers to Moses' law, but adds, "but from the beginning it has not been this way.") In this declaration of who makes marriage (God) and who should not unmake it (man), Jesus dismisses the exception "permitted" under Mosaic Law and renews afresh, God's perfect will for marriage.

Now, so far Jesus has refuted any divorce on two grounds: 1) it was only necessary because of hard hearts, and 2) it was not the original plan of God for marriage. Hardened hearts are a human phenomenon. Isaiah 55.8 reminds us how distant we are from how God thinks and acts. If He allowed divorce once or a million times, we must NEVER infer that divorce is acceptable to God or accomplishes His "in the beginning" will.

(D) Verses 11 and 12 do not stand alone. They are clearly a summary of the foregoing statements of Jesus. Jesus has taught why divorce occurred in the first place (v.4), He explained why it was that way (v.5), and He taught us that divorce it interfered with what God did at marriage (v.9). Now He makes a declaration that does not require interpretation whatsoever. Jesus understood the history of divorce and why it continued to His day (and now). But He did not shrug it off as a matter of living in a complicated world - He denounced it.

Let us pause to see how He denounced divorce. He linked it right back with the very thing which people used as grounds for divorce in the first place - adultery! Jesus left no room for us to equivocate about divorce. Although Moses' law permitted divorce in the case of adultery, Jesus cautions that to divorce a spouse and to marry again is to run head-long right back into adultery. Quite a predicament, and wholly frustrating to the mortal mind. But Jesus spoke the words that He thought best for us, not most soothing.

The burden is on the one seeking divorce not to remarry. Usually the spouse who is the "victim" of an adulterous mate is the one who sues for divorce. This seems logical - certainly understandable. We ache for the faithful spouse who has been rewarded with scorn and despite. Of the two partners in the marriage, it would seem "gracious" to allow the offended party to start a new life and relationship of love. But Mark 10.11-12 does not allow that. (Again, Isaiah 55.8 reminds us how it is our thinking which is backwards from God's.)

The Guilt of "Spiritual Adultery"

Matthew 5:27-32 echoes the teaching of Mark 10, and adds an interesting twist:

27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery';
28 but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her
has committed adultery with her already in his heart.
29,30. . .
31 "And it was said, 'Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a
certificate of divorce';
32 but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the
cause of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a
divorced woman commits adultery.

In Matthew 5, Jesus poses a huge and unavoidable hurdle to the notion of divorce in the case of adultery. In Matthew 5, Jesus states seven OT laws and chastises us all for breaking the "spirit" of the law if not always the "letter." This is a great problem, because it effectively gives every wife a claim of adultery against her husband, and I assume it gives most husbands a claim of adultery against their wives. Did Jesus so desire to make a shambles of marriage that He gave every marriage in the world grounds for divorce - and dare them to divorce? If "no" is the answer, then we have to let the Spirit tell us what He did intend.

The "hardness of the heart" passage echoes back to us here. It is one thing to refuse forgiveness for something we have never done. (If I have never committed a certain wrong thing - say stealing - it is understandable that I may have trouble forgiving a thief.) But to declare someone else guilty of the very crime we have committed ("cast the first stone") takes perverse courage. The purpose of these "you have heard it said, but. . . " passages is to destroy any sense of self-righteousness (Matthew 5.20) and drive us to cry out to God to provide the perfection He demands of us ("Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5.48)

This Matthew 5 passage leaves the "offended spouse" with no room to accuse the mate with adultery, since in "spirit" and in truth, both have viloated the marriage relationship. This is hard language. Many who have been shamed by a wandering spouse will choke on these words. I understand and accept that; I do not demand agreement with what is opinion. Still, Jesus needs no interpretation or commentary – or champion. He has stated His case and left us with no room to accuse.

There is still another key point which we can't miss in this passage. There is a tenuous relationship between the OT and NT. Sometimes we are not sure how much of the OT to embrace, how much to dismiss, and how much the NT resuscitates and brings into the life of the Christian. We should remember that although adultery is common-place and virtually accepted by modern society it was a capital offense in the OT. "If there is a man who commits adultery with another man's wife, one who commits adultery with his friend's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death." (Leviticus 20:10)

Matthew 5.28 pronounces every man (and woman) in the world with a wandering eye of being guilty of a crime punishable by death. (That pretty well destroys Jesus' reputation of being soft-spoken.) The larger point is that Jesus declared us guilty not so that He could stone us but so that He could save us! Jesus calls us to follow Him and to look at the sinner the way He did. In Matthew 5.27-32, Jesus declares our universal guilt of adultery. The solution is not an epidemic of divorce, but a revival of faith and forgiveness. On a human scale, the truth of this passage must be accepted or rejected. If accepted in faith as true, then we must respond to one another with the same attitude of forgiveness and reconciliation which Christ extends to us. (At the close of this paper, I append a selection of verses which emphasize the truth about forgiveness of others and reconciliation with others.) If Jesus does not find our adultery to be an offense punishable by death, how can we legitimately say that adultery should bring about the stoning to death of marriage?

Has Jesus forgiven even adulterers? (Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

This verse shall be revisited later in the paper. It is clear from the teaching of Paul that God forgives adulterers. This divine forgiveness does not ease the burden that adultery places on a marriage, but it does teach that grace is as available for the offending party as it is the offended party. See appendices at end regarding those who ask for, but do not give forgiveness!

Not Paul, but the Lord, on Diovorce and Adultery
The only other major passage in the NT is found in I Corinthians 7. As set out at the beginning of this paper, we have here some principles. Paul is addressing specific situations in Corinth, but he does not elaborate on what those situations are. He responds to their request for guidance with wise principle: "But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not send his wife away." (1 Cor 7:10-11)

Many attempt to separate this passage from the adultery / divorce issue by suggesting that it deals with religious differences between husband and wife - the concept of being "unequally yoked" and therefore causing great instability in the marriage. Verses 12 and 13 certainly address this situation, but verses 1-9 are strictly and frankly not religious in context! Let us explore the possibilities. If the key passage, v.10-11, is purely religious in context then does it contradict anything Jesus has said? No. It compliments the teaching of Christ in every way! Marriage should not be dissolved for either religious differences or moral ones. Paul has advanced, not altered Jesus' tecahing on the sanctity of marriage.

Advancing Toward A Conlcusion:
Nelson's Illustrated Bible Dictionary includes this comment about divorce in the NT context: "In the case of sexual unfaithfulness, the decree of divorce simply reflects the fact that the marriage has already been broken. A man divorcing his wife for this cause does not "make her an adulteress," for she already is one. Thus, divorce on the grounds of unchastity usually frees the innocent partner to remarry without incurring the guilt of adultery (Matthew 19:9). However, this is sometimes questioned. Although Jesus allowed divorce for adultery, He did not require it. On the contrary, He insisted that divorce disrupts God's plan for marriage and left the way open for repentance and forgiveness."

I concur. Jesus never "takes the side" of the spouse who remains faithful to the marriage (which is not to say that He opposes them either!). On the contrary, we do see Jesus defending those who are repentant of adultery. Again, this observation may sound extreme and offensive to many. But I speak from the truth of the scriptural record, not my opinion. (See Luke 7.38-39, John 4.16-18, John 8.3,11) I do not suggest that Jesus is unconcerned about the broken-hearted; there is ample scripture to support His great sympathy for every victimized person. But Jesus had open, welcoming hands, not fists clinched around stones. Such should be our position - whether married to or acquainted with an adulterer.

In Conclusion: Let Marriage Be Held In Honor By All!
"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge." (Hebrews 13:4)

This passage is a profound endorsement of the pre-eminence of marriage over all other passions of men. God declares His will to severely judge those who defile marriage. To adulter is to dishonor marriage. According to Jesus Christ to obtain a divorce is to commit adultery and to dishonor marriage. The only option to a bad marriage is to honor it at all cost (even to the point of being humbled by forgiving an offending partner). In the tight economy of Jesus, to get a divorce on account of adultery is still to commit adultery again, personally. Let marriage be held in honor by all - even the "offended spouse."

Five Key Questions as to How to Apply God’s Word
From these passages, and through prayer and guidance of the Holy Spirit, we must ask and find answers to the following questions:

1) Does scripture require that the "offended spouse" forgive the adulterous spouse and and remain in the marriage?

I believe that there is no sin which God cannot forgive (except blasphemy of the Spirit) and I can find no trespass which God does not expect us to forgive our brothers and sisters of humanity. Insofar as Jesus Christ in Mark 10 explained the human reasons for divorce and superceded those reasons with God's desire for unbroken marriage, I cannot counsel anyone that divorce is acceptable under any circumstances. (I do believe that a spouse is under no obligation to remain present in a relationship which is truly harmful – whether physically or emotionally. In those cases Paul is clear that separation is acceptable, but divorce and remarriage is not. See I Cor 7.10)

2) Although unpleasant sounding, doesn't the offended spouse have an "out clause" in the passages which permit divorce in the case of adultery?

Adultery was and OT "out clause" which Jesus excluded in two ways. First, He declared, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Second, He pointed out that we are all guilty of adultery thereby making adultery invalid as a claim against another spouse.

3) Can a spouse whose mate is unfaithful sue for divorce and remarry without being guilty of adultery?

A spouse whose mate is unfaithful is in an embarrassing and humiliating situation - both within the confines of the marriage / home and in the social setting. Nevertheless, Mark 10.11-12 clearly proclaims that to be divorced and remarried is to committ adultery. This is a painful dead-end for the "offended spouse." Forgiveness and reconciliation are the only way of restoring the relationship. Although "forgiveness" and "reconciliation" are not included in the admonishment against divorce, they are the only way to create a godly marriage.

4) Are those who are divorced and remarried guilty of perpetual adultery.

The question of remarriage deals with an "after-the-fact" situation and is very complicated. We live in the presence of God through Grace. He forgives every sin through Grace. Divorce (which God hates) is undeniably a sin. To seek a divorce is to seek a sin. To be advised against divorce by godly Christian counsel and to persevere in obtaining a divorce is a sin and denies the ministry of the Holy Spirit (John 16.8-13). To seek a divorce in the face of a repentant spouse is, in my opionion, a grave error. One should not tempt the graciousness of God by intentionally advancing upon a sin, knowing that God is "obligated" through Christ to forgive - Paul is forceful against such attitude.

However, thousands of couples, living in godlessness or shallow Christianity, lose hope for their marriages and get a divorce (whether adultery is an issue or not). When the remarried couples come to maturity in Christ later, they are stuck in an "adulterous" condition according to Mark 10. This is where forgiveness applies, according to my human understanding. Look again at I Corinthians 6.11. We were formerly "adulterers." Now we are not - if we are repentant and faithful. This is not a trick of time, innocent after the fact, guilty before the fact. The issue at play is whether we were walking in the light or wandering in darkness when we stumble. I do not presume to know if God forgives some sins and not others, but I know there is a much higher level of accountability for Christians who reject their commitment of faith.

5) Does this mean that if a spouse commits adultery and doesn’t ever repent of it, doesn’t ever have any intention of returning to the marriage, that the offended mate must live out the rest of life as a forsaken and celebate person?

This answer is simple and agonizing: "I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the cause of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." (Matthew 5.32) Re-marriage is not considered a biblical option even for the "abandoned spouse."

Faith sees what the mind cannot see (Hebrews 11.1-3). The problem with re-marriage is two-fold. One, even for the "abandoned" spouse, re-marriage appears to be disallowed, and Two, it is a lack of faith that presumes that a spouse will never repent and return to the original marriage. The best counsel that can be given to the abandoned spouse is to wait patiently, prayerfully, and faithfully for the other spouse to return. Is this not the way God deals with those who have acted with infidelity toward Him? (see II Peter 3.9)

My counsel to an "abandoned spouse" (one whose mate has sued for divorce) is to wait. I would not personally withhold the blessing of marriage from a person whose former spouse has remarried, thereby closing the door to reconciliation without causing destruction to yet another marriage. As much as I would like to offer the the blessings of marriage to an "abandoned spouse" whose former mate is not remarried, I simply cannot. As God patiently waited for us to return to Him – so we must show patience, forbearance, and faith toward our spouse – both present and former.

For all persons who presently find themselves in this situation, please submit yourself to the authority of the Bible and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Your accountability is not to me, but God.

If you are re-married, please read Question and Answer #4 above.

Appendix: forgiveness / reconcilialtion

A) Key verses on the "reciprocity" of forgiveness – we are to forgive all sin other because Christ forgave all sin in us.

Matthew 5:23-24 If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

Reconciliation of all relationships is of primary importance to God. This passage states that the burden is on the first person to seek peace if the second, offended person "has something against" the first person. There is no assumption that "something" is a legitimate issue or not, only that peace must be restored.

The setting for this "need for peace" is "at the altar." The altar is where one comes to devotes oneself to God or to seek forgiveness from God. God does not value either act if the person is not also seeking restoration of earthly relationships.

Matthew 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Ephesians 4:30-32 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Here forgiveness takes on a broad and beautiful definition. To avoid grieving the Spirit we must cease all contentions and seek full peace through forgiveness. As it relates to the subject of adultery in marriage, "bitterness, wrath, anger, slander, malice" are behavior often typical of the "offended party." The solution to ceasing those ungodly behaviors is to forgive the one who has offended – just as Christ has forgiven.

Colossians 3:12-19 And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things {put on} love, which is the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms {and} hymns {and} spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, {do} all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them.

Isn’t it wonderful that this sweeping passage about love, forgiveness, and mutual encouragement end with an admonition about marrital relationships. "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts!" This is the only way a marriage assaulted by adultery can be healed. Moreover, if the peace of Christ truly rules, then both partners will seek a reconciled marriage and avoid the divorce that God hates and which make adulterers of them both.

B) Other verses on "forgiveness"

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

Mark 11:25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions.

Luke 17:3-5 "Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. "And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him." And the apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"

Romans 5:8-10 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.

2 Corinthians 2:5-8 But if any has caused sorrow, he has caused sorrow not to me, but in some degree-- in order not to say too much-- to all of you. Sufficient for such a one is this punishment which was {inflicted by} the majority, so that on the contrary you should rather forgive and comfort {him} lest somehow such a one be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm {your} love for him.

2 Corinthians 5:18 Now all {these} things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation

Colossians 1:21-23 And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, {engaged} in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach -- if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

C) Concerning unforgiveness

Matthew 18:34-35 "And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. "So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."